Mommy To-Do List

  1. Stop pretending your brain functions well enough to not require a to-do list.

  2. Laundry, dishes, bills.

  3. Pay attention to your kids. They won’t be kids forever. Savor the sweetness.

  4. Make Costco list.

  5. Find a new preschool for toddler whose preschool is imminently closing. Must be affordable on one parental salary and accept temperamental, non-potty-trained three year olds who may occasionally bite (but only when provoked!).

  6. Think of affordable but meaningful way to thank preschool teachers for putting up with your toddler for the past school year.

  7. Make dentist appointment for toddler. Brace self for battle. Bribe?

  8. Stop everything and just love on your 6-month-old. You blinked and he’s halfway through babyhood already, planking and army-crawling with everything he’s got to try to keep up with big brother. He wakes up each morning with the biggest smile across his face, just happy to be here and part of this family. Breathe in that joy.

  9. Laundry, dishes, bills.

  10. Take note of all the ways your second child has been neglected relative to your first child, and try to compensate.

  11. Work on marriage. Try to at least make eye contact with husband before he leaves for work?

  12. TAXES. Effff. File for extension.

  13. Put your phone down and just take in these gorgeous little miracles you got to bring into the world. Your firstborn is almost three, he can communicate in somewhat-complete sentences and yet still has such a heart-achingly innocent, untainted view of the world. Savor the sweetness.

  14. Ignore all signs that house needs to be termite-tented because Lord knows that would be the death of you.

  15. Google “child afraid of pooping on toilet.”

  16. Read “Curious George Goes to the Chocolate Factory” with your toddler, even if it’s the fifth time THIS HOUR. Your child wants to read with you. How long will that last?

  17. Decide whether to shave legs or just embrace this look?

  18. Plan toddler’s birthday party to make up for last year, when you left him crying with a babysitter while you went to a wedding.

  19. Kegels.

  20. Play pretend with your toddler, even if you’re exhausted from simply keeping him alive. He won’t want to play with you forever. Savor the sweetness.

  21. Laundry, dishes, bills.

  22. Get past the first chapter in a book. Any book.

  23. Skim the headlines so you have something remotely relevant to contribute to non-parent conversations. Maybe watch an episode of Game of Thrones?

  24. Spend as much time snuggling this perfectly warm, soft, squirmy baby as you possibly can.

  25. Figure out why that light keeps blinking on the dashboard.

  26. Revamp sex life. HAHAHA maybe when both kids are in school.

  27. Self-care. HAHAHA JK WTF IS THAT.

  28. Realize toddler was sent to school with chicken nuggets for lunch every day this week. Add veggies to Costco list. Google ways to hide vegetables in chicken nuggets.

  29. Make appointment to see your PCP for what will be the second time this decade.

  30. Think of some side gig that will plug a hole in the sinking canoe that is your savings without annoying the shit out of your friends and family.

  31. Throw out or come up with some sort of filing system for the toddler “art” your kid keeps coming home with.

  32. Don’t yell at husband.

  33. Instead of trying to photograph/video your kids being cute, try just being in the present moment with them. Savor the sweetness.

  34. Sift through that mountain of clothes that kids have outgrown and/or never wore in the first place.

  35. Purge own closet of clothes that haven't fit since before you got pregnant i.e. 95% of wardrobe. Change mind halfway through and resolve to diet instead. Convince yourself you will be so successful that even those jeans from high school will become wearable again, even as you take a break to eat half a bag of chips. While wearing maternity leggings.

  36. Consider taking on a sisterwife? Watch old episodes of Big Love for research. Write down some questions for the next time those nice Mormons knock on your door.

  37. Backwards-plan your kids’ childhoods, starting with the social-emotional-spiritual outcomes you’d like them to attain, then calibrating every aspect of their current existence in service of their holistic lifelong wellness.

  38. Laundry, dishes, bills.

  39. Catch up on sleep. HAHAHAHAHAAA JK NOT IN THIS LIFETIME!!!

  40. Love your babies. Savor the sweetness, savor the sweetness, savor the sweetness.

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