List: 10 Loco Things Only New Parents Say

Do you speak parentese? No, I’m not talking about the singsong voice that’s supposedly best for your baby’s development and utterly obnoxious to everyone else. Parenthood comes with its own lexicon for situations, coping mechanisms, and gear (so much gear!!) that seem vitally important during this fleeting season of life before (let’s hope) vacating your brain. If you’ve ever found yourself uttering the below, you are officially an ANP*.

Goddamnit, Braxton broke out of the DUDU wrap again.

Ooh, is that a Solly, K’tan, Boba, or Moby??

Mandala just loves my breastmilk popsicles.

I miss the old poops.

That’s a good-looking Bugaboo, but I wouldn’t even attempt Stroller Strides without my Bob**!

She’s not sick, she’s just purple crying.

What do you mean you threw that speck of blue sponge away? THE SNOTSUCKER DOESN’T WORK WITHOUT IT!!!

You think that’s bad? I know a woman at work who tore all the way to the butt.

Jasper only eats white foods.

5 hours of sleep?? You’re so lucky!!!

*Annoying New Parent. For a full list of nauseating parenting-related acronyms that people actually use, see here and try not to CIO. Who the F refers to their partner as "Dear Husband"? Am I just in a terrible marriage???

**Just learned that BOB stands for "Beast of Burden," and it’s so perfect.


Recent Posts

See All

Mommy To-Do List

Stop pretending your brain functions well enough to not require a to-do list. Laundry, dishes, bills. Pay attention to your kids. They won’t be kids forever. Savor the sweetness. Make Costco list. Fin

Potty Training for Dummies

As with most of our parenting endeavors, my husband and I decided to start toilet training our 2-and-a-half year old without consulting any resources or establishing a plan, opting instead to rely on

Profiles of moms who inspire

Sporty Girls

What you do - and don't - need for baby

Reflections on pregnancy and parenthood

Preemies and twins and C-sections, Oh my!